I thought that when I finished my graduate program last summer that I would have more time to write. I am writing a little, but that is on a private page in order to record my thoughts and experiences as a pastoral ministry intern.
Although an outwardly disorganized looking INFJ, I like to have schedules and endpoints although I am willing to be flexible once I have them. In just such a way, I knew exactly when I would end my graduate work, and when I finished, I wanted my diploma and other documentation right now, if not sooner.
Interning in a pilot program is a ‘stretch and grow’ time for me, and it takes me out of my comfort zone in terms of time. The internship is scheduled on a ‘as can’ basis, and there is no defined endpoint. I will be done interning whenever somebody says ‘you’re done’, and that is a good thing. It enables me to concentrate on process instead of product. Ironically, ending would mean doing less in terms of variety because I might be confined to my very small parish, but I am not concerned.
What I do as a pastoral minister, when I do it, where I do it, is something I have completely turned loose of in terms of worry and planning. Perhaps that is what the ancients referred to as ‘surrender’ but the terminology is not important. I trust that I will do what I am called to when I am called to it, and my time should be spent listening for the call.
I wish I could have back the time I spent worrying about time. I would give it to the Alzheimer’s patient I am working with, or the widow I met who is still working through a year of ‘firsts’ although these all commemorate the first time as a widow. I would give the time to the parents of the perfect 12-hour old baby girl I held last Saturday, because I know now how fast that time as parents goes.
Strangely enough, I do not wish for more time for myself for much of anything. Perhaps my only wish is that I had spent less time worrying about being noticed for the things I tried to do. In the rest of my ‘time’, my sincerest wish is that I never be noticed again for good or for ill. I am blessed to work with people who have given me a chance to do good work, and I want to use that time to do the work given to me.